Thursday 13

I'm late. Yes. My Baby has been discovered to have a heart murmur. I got the news and it bowled me over. But here's my Thursday 13 (which I haven't even decided about yet to let you in on a deep dark secret)

Okay I've decided. Things I hate.

1. Revving motor bikes that creep up on me when I'm driving.

2. Why do dentists and doctors think they can make me wait? Like if I'm late for an appointment I apologise. Have you ever had an apology from a doctor who is running late?

3. When two lanes turn into one lane. Usually this works in society. He goes, she goes, he goes, she goes... people just merge. But you get a smart arse that has to roar along to the absolute n'th of the merge and barge in. I like to stick my nose in the air and take up two lanes like an old witch.

4. People who walk on the pavement as if they owned it. Don't mind if you need to stop and talk about the shopping you've just done. Don't mind the fact that I might be in a hurry. Just take your time and I'll be patient.

5. Zebra crossings. Give a pedestrian the right of way and they'll sneer and jeer at you. They are waiting just for you. They like to pick on you because it gives them fun to walk slowly in front of you. Suddenly they jump in front of you. London is the worst place for these.

6. When somebody has just been rescued out of an avalanche. They are barely alive but they are saved. And along comes the journalist. "Are you glad you've been saved?" Huh? Is there some 'it' I'm not getting here?

7. People who say that is 'exactly right'. I'm missing something here too. It's right of wrong. Is there some grey area nobody has told me about?

8. Have you ever come up to the lights and had the "window washer"? This is a dreaded creature who comes along and without your permission simply takes it upon himself to wash your windscreen. Get out of my space person. Go make somebody else's life misery.

9. Cocktail parties. Yes I hate cocktail parties. "Hello I'm Zara Penney."
"Pardon?" "Zara Penney, my name..." "Hello, nice to meet you." "Pardon?" "Nice to meet you, Harry Belafonte." "Pardon?" "Harry Belafonte." "Nice to meet you." "Pardon?" "Nice to meet you." "What do you do?" Pardon? "What do you do." "WRite." Pardon? "I'm a writer. What do you do?" "Pardon?" "Sing." "Pardon?" "Singer." "Well it was nice to meet you." "Pardon?" And the canapes have just gone past at a hundred miles a minute.

10. Politicians. "How long is it since you laid straight in bed?" "Mmmmm that's a very interesting question. It reminds me of my mother's granny who used to crochet her cardigans. She always used blue wool because..."

11. When I lived in Hong Kong, there used to be a department store. They had 100 percent employment there. And every shopper had their own nag. This is an assistant who follows you around and every time you pick up an article, then put it back, they'd straighten it, check it to see you didn't leave fingerprints or spit on it... so much for browsing in that free spirited mood of the lonely shopper searching for the perfect - oh go away!

12. The nanny state. The politicians in my life seem to feel they need to tell me how to do everything. Leave nothing to chance. Example. I had to have a fence around my swimming pool. It had to have a special gate that locked in such a way that the child, who never came to my house, wouldn't drown because they never came to my house. Yet out in my front yard was a very busy road? Is there something I'm not getting here? Did somebody say why while I was at the supermarket?

13. By now you have worked out that I'm a grumpy old lady. If you are the one who is throwing coca cola cans into my paper recycling bin on rubbish night then go get nicked!