Friday, September 9, 2011

Winter is lingering.

I feel summery sometimes but I am a winter person. Maybe I was a polar bear in a former life? But I wouldn't have been a successful one because I'd hate to go fishing for dinner in the icey Arctic waters. I'm always cold.

Isn't funny how we always kind of think of ourselves in a former life as something constructive. Like... have you ever imagined you might have been a rattle snake? Or a rose bug who eats precious garden roses?

Or even a bag of compost - ie. thousands of tiny pieces of a horse's excrement?

But I am not really thinking of former lives at the moment. Now is really coping with the end of a life. A life of a talented woman, always proud and well dressed. One who prided herself on how she presented and conducted her life. Perhaps a little vain because she had plenty to be vain about. She was Grace Kelly beautiful. She painted and sang like a bird. She should have been famous in some way, but held back by a selfish very vain mother who sacrificed her family for her own selfish objectives. But...

Now the fading or even faded beauty has gone, and left in its place a shadow. One who shuffles down the hall of a behind-locked-doors old age facility. Shuffles off to a dining room where she indulges in overeating, something she's never done before. Is grossly overweight and has less of a memory than a goldfish.

For years she and my father turned up on a regular basis at the doctors to overdose on drugs they didn't need so many of, and looked after their health. My father died almost in his sleep. My mother isn't. She's as healthy as a horse where it doesn't count. She cannot do anything with her day except eat. I don't want to end up like this. They say it's only those left behind that suffer sadness but for my own personal ambitions, I don't want to leave anyone feeling this sad and sorry for me.

This person used to be my mother. Now she's just another vegetable. Is this to be my inheritance. Relief when she is no longer with us? Don't answer this question unless you are in the same boat because you will never never know what this feels like unless you are.

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