Monday, October 27, 2008

My best friend - A sorry tail...

Yes. I have a sorry tail to tell. I waved goodbye to it not too long ago and I ache. The tail belongs to my ex best friend.

The one with the tag in the front of the book that claims him as my rock. The one to whom I dedicated my first anthology story.

The tail end of a marriage full of love 35 years of total love and dedication.

But I have two new best friends.

My darling children. I've discovered what a beautiful bunch of people my ex-best friend made.

They are bewildered and as skittled as am I. We were such a tight little family and now we've been skittled by a huge bowling ball.

It hurts like hell, it sure does. Hurts so much that I think I have writer's block for the first time in my life. I can't do it at the moment, partly because I am basically a writer of comedy. And I can't really find anything funny in life at the moment.

How long will this take to get over? I don't know. My dreams are horrendous. Loss of self esteem is so big I never knew it could get to be this big. Are the days long? Yes. Am I forever beginning to jigsaw things into one piece? Dunno, but little bits of evidence of the lead up are beginning to fall into place, and I can sort of work out about what time the ex-best friend was buying the bowling ball.

Do I hate the woman who took him? Yes I wish she'd fall off a mountain or get crushed by an avalanche, or that if she is on a boat it will sink, but it's not really her that I know I should be angry with.

Have my children got huge issues to deal with? A huge yes...on what is a relationship, since their whole belief system has been crushed. OH YES! To them we were almost an institution. Like a building that could never fall.

At the moment if you asked me what I feel like - I'd cryptically tell you like Pompeii.

If you understand that then you are on the same wavelength as me and you understand.


Sandra Ferguson said...

Zara, oh, my heart aches for you. And there is nothing but time that will make any of this easier to bear. Well, maybe that avalanche or ship sinking could pick up your spirits. And while I don't normally think bad of people, I'll spit in this gal's eye for you -- tell me where and when.

As one who's been married for a long time, I can't truly imagine your sense of loss. But I do understand loss. My dad is ill right now, actually he's dying. And all the anger and righteousness won't change a thing. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that loss is loss, isn't it? One day everything seems fine and then it's not -- and we all have to deal with it after that.

It just sucks at times.

Try to be good to yourself, and remember where once only ashes existed, anything can be rebuilt.

KV said...

Hang in there, Miss Penny -- we all send our deepest love to you!

Kathy V in NM

Katey Coffing, Ph.D. said...

Oh Penny, I'm so very, very sorry. I'm sending hugs and healing thoughts across the waters.